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Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Leaked: the secret agenda of the Natural Wine Movement

(Note to readers: this post is meant to be funny! It's my attempt at humour! I'm not angry, upset or ranting or anything like that!)
(Note to self: must work on this humour thing a bit more)

Wow, awesome post, oh Blogger! I think you’ve managed to cover absolutely all of the points that have already been repeated ad nauseam by other bloggers, already, before, over and over again, many times. And with an original amusing anecdote on how un-natural it is to make wine included. Keep up the good work.

The semantics. Yes, all the humans with brains already know that there’s nothing natural about making wine. It’s just that we, in the Secret Inner Committee of Utmost Control of the Natural Wine Movement, thought that ‘natural’ would be a really cool and useful adjective to use, and so using our super-powers and remote mind-control techniques, we have forced thousands of wine-lovers and wine-writers everywhere to use the phrase ‘natural wine’ against their will. It’s such a laugh seeing all these people using the word ‘natural’ with a meaning that’s not even in the dictionary yet. Ho! Ho! Ho!

The marketing. We’re onto that too. Agents Retisson and Ilocsam, to name only two, have responded perfectly to our conspiratorial promptings and scripts, and we’re very pleased with the levels of stridency, disdain and outrageousness. Yup, we’re well on the way to compliance with our secret agenda. As to Denigration Marketing, I have to admit that we didn’t actually think that one up ourselves, but we can certainly use it now that it’s been brought to our attention. I’ll bring it up personally with The Secret Agenda Setter at the next meeting.

We’re also working on the winemakers themselves. It’s come to our attention that some winemakers are actually trying to make the best wine they can; and even more shockingly, some have even succeeded in this misguided endeavour. Rest assured that we have the means to secretly inoculate their wines with Brett, VA and super-charged oxygen. And for serious cases we have a special micro-biological swamp solution.

These wines will of course be priced accordingly. Just as we can force wine-writers and wine-lovers to use the word ‘natural’ against their wills (and with a totally misleading meaning too. Ho! Ho! Ho!) we can also force thousands and thousands of customers to seek out winebars and restaurants and to actually pay good money to consume the stuff.

We are also working on suppressing any sensible, interesting discussions about natural wines that could potentially benefit the wine world. Any talk about how natural wines may possibly express a ‘terroir’ better than conventional wines will be stamped out ruthlessly. Same applies to talk about how maybe excessive interventions in the winery may possibly mask or destroy the expression of a ‘terroir’; similarly, how the abuse of chemicals in the vineyard may possibly alter the quality of the grapes; No, we will ensure that the debate about the semantics of the word ‘natural’ will run and run and run. We will ensure that our agents regularly blurt out strident, disdainful, arrogant marketing sound-bites, and that wine-bloggers everywhere respond to them. We will use our mind-control techniques to make these wine-bloggers repeat themselves even more than they do now; we will come up with and implant in their brains, ever more clever and amusing analogies showing how un-natural it is to make wine.

It has also come to the attention of the Secret Inner Committee of Utmost Control that there are some natural winemakers who are using SO2. Not to worry, we can easily deal with that too. Firstly we will make them all grow beards, including the females, and implant irresistible urges to follow the phases of the moon, planets and stars, and to plant cow horns and stag bladders in their vineyards. They will then be so busy doing this that they’ll forget all about the SO2. Their wines will then correctly oxidize prematurely.

We are bit worried by the numbers and varieties of natural wines that have an excessively long shelf-life and that improve and evolve over time. We’re not sure what to do about this, but if the word gets out, then it could seriously compromise the belief that natural wines are delicate, vulnerable, unprotected, and deteriorate quickly if frowned at for too long.

Last but not least, we will be implanting the latest version of the following modules in the brains of all sommeliers, restaurant staff and wineshop attendants: Skorn 4.6; Pat-Ro-Nize 2.0; Pompuss 5.1;


  1. Too funny.

    Can I get the micro-biological swamp substance in a homeopathic spray as well?

  2. You forgot to mention that we will search out and destroy all oak forests so their trees cannot be made into new barrels. That was added to the agenda at the last Council of Bearded Elders in Bratislava.

  3. @Hank, We're working on that :)

    @Nick, First we we have to infiltrate and subvert all these environmental ecologist groups :)


    Please, anybody could rescue me?


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